I saw your articles on the Internet and thought I would ask you about a problem that I have been dealing with. I don't know if you can help me but I am looking at every option possible because I feel like I am at the end of my rope.
When I was very young 7 or 8 I was diagnosed with A.D.D. [Attention Deficit Disorder]. I do not remember this but I was informed by my father that I was. The Problem is that at first I was put on medication because I had problem in school and socially but my father who is in the medical field decided that medication was wrong and nothing else was done for me.
Needless to say I was not informed of this until I was 30. I did poorly in High school was even held back 1 year in school with what few friends I had leaving me for other classes, I tried college but dropped out.
My relationships are little to none. The few I have had usually didn't last long because and I managed to keep very few friends, which I regret every day. Now, I haven't been in a relationship for almost 10 years, yes 10 years! I have been on dates here and there but nothing to speak of. I guess I am very shy and I have very low self esteem, my family never had given me any reason to have any growing up.
There is a girl that is recently divorce and I am very interested in her. I have talked with her before and at the time she seemed interested in me also. I found out that she has moved in next door to where I live and I am wondering how to go about asking her out; but I want to do it right.
I have bought her a nice bottle of wine as a house warming gift but I haven't given it to her yet only because I seem to be getting mixed signals from her. She and I work in proximity to each other and I talked to her for awhile one day. The last thing she said to me was "Hey will you be home later I want to talk to you about something." I gave her my number but I never heard from her. In fact I've seen her once since then.
So now I am somewhat confused. I don't know if she is living with someone or seeing someone else. I want to take the right steps but am unsure of what they are. Should I just walk over there one day with the wine and give it to her and try to start up a conversation, or try and call her apartment if it is listed and ask to drop it off instead of coming unannounced? Or, should I wait until I see her again?
I believe that most women don't want to get into a serious relationship once they get a divorce so I intend to let her know that it is just a friendly date so we can get to know each other more. Thank you for your time and I hope maybe this letter could be of some use to your web site.
You've really covered a lot of ground here, and I'll try to address as much of it as I can.
First, you need to get this firmly into your head: being diagnosed with A.D.D. isn't the source of your trouble with women - it's your choice to ALLOW it to be the problem. I know many people with all sorts of mental problems and learning disabilities much more severe than yours that do just great with women! Unfortunately, it was "trendy" starting just about 25 years ago for boys (in particular) to be diagnosed with A.D.D. even when they had no such problem!
You have to understand that this is a result of the "feminization of society" that I talk so heavily about. There is a general belief that little boys won't be successful in life unless they act how little girls act! For the majority of human history, we've understood that this was ridiculous and taught our boys differently from our girls. Most boys bounce off the wall all day, and most girls sit quietly in their seats. That's just the way it is - there's no A.D.D. involved at all in most cases!
Your real trouble here is a lack of education about women and dating/relationships in general. No, you don't want to become her "friend" first - that is relationship death. No, you don't want to go leave a bottle of wine at her doorstep - that is very, very weak, and she'll see right through it. No, you don't want to be concerned that she's seeing someone else or that she has a boyfriend. None of this (in fact) matters!
Regarding her mixed signals, women do this all the time. It's part of their own relationship training - and let's face it, women are much better at all of this then us guys are. They spend their entire lives studying it! When women throw mixed signals at you they are "testing the waters" to see exactly what you're interest level is up front. This way, they don't have to expose their own hands. It's not fair, but that's the way it is.
You also need to know that women won’t call you even if you give them your number. It’s your job to call a woman – and they know it! When you didn’t ask for her number in return, you were in effect telling her that you weren’t interested.
So, this leaves you with what to do now.
First, you need to get your skills up to par. You've neglected your own relationship education and now have to get it up to where it should be. I strongly urge you to read the information on my website, and in my books and get your head on straight about women. You're really going to need this as you try to put something together with your neighbor.
Second, you need to get over your self-image problems. This is going to take some work on your part, but you can do it and there are a ton of good resources out there.
Third, you need to go talk to her. But, when you do, don't profess your feelings to her! Believe me; she already knows that you're interested in her. You just need to create the path for her to follow. Why not invite her out for a drink to get to know her better? Then, spend the time learning about her - in effect, gathering information. Don't spend it on yourself trying to find new ways to "out" yourself and your past!
This is a journey - not a destination. You're going to need to get your chops up and you'll only do this by practicing. You're also going to make some mistakes. That's ok - but let's get them over with, shall we? Don't hold on to them just waiting to unload them all over someone, some day!
My brother, your situation really isn't all that unusual. What's tragic about it is that you have the tools in your own hands to make things change. Will you decide to use them? I don't know - I can only hope. It's all up to you.
Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
posted on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 5:11 PM