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Hi Dennis,

First of all I would like to thank you for the discussion group ( I really appreciate your informed advice and insights into women.

About three years ago I started to like this girl I had known from school but she wasn’t interested, so I gave up. Shortly afterward, I started going out with someone else. When I started seeing this new girl, my original interest came to me really upset and suggested we do things together like go to the movies etc. I said I didn’t think it would work because my new girlfriend would get jealous. After this I very rarely saw her for 2 and a half years and when I did see her, she acted a bit funny.

Recently I have broken up with my girlfriend and this girl has made a new appearance in my social life and we flirt with each other (however, she initiates it). Originally I wasn’t interested but more recently I have changed my mind and would like to go out with her.

HOWEVER, she was very emotionally hurt about 4 years ago when her boyfriend at the time dumped her from a year long relationship. Ever since, whenever a guy (including me) has tried to get close to her she has backed off. I suspect that she doesn’t want to be hurt again or she expects too feel exactly the same way as she did for the guy who dumped her. I would like to do something, but I don’t want to push her away like everyone else.

Have you got any suggestions or do you think I am wasting my time being interested in this girl?



You're very welcome and thanks for the comments about the group, but I can't take credit for it. In fact, it was started by one of my readers - not me. Further, it's all of the members that really make the group work. I'm just along for the ride!

Regarding "Ms. Hurt Before" the very first thing you need to understand is that it wasn't YOU that hurt her, and that you can't heal her either. She's been hurt before eh? Boo hoo! Who hasn't been hurt? Big fucking deal!

Whenever I hear about someone that's been hurt before, it makes me roll my eyes - and it should make you roll your eyes too! She's a big girl now and needs to learn to get over things. Not everything revolves around her and her "hurt". This is exactly the attitude you need to take with her. Stop "enabling" her self pity! You do this every time you buy into all of this crap.

Instead, just tell her "Look, I don't really care what's happened to you in the past. If you want to feel sorry for yourself the rest of your life, but my guest, but don't think you're going to inflict that on me. What I'm interested in is your future. Now stop playing games with me and clear your Saturday night because we're going out to have some fun."

If she isn't able to get over it, it's not your problem - just move on and have a great life. Just like Frank Sinatra said, "The greatest revenge is massive success!"

Best regards...

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: Check out the discussion group at:

Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.

posted on Friday, April 30, 2004 4:18 PM

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