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Doctor:

I read one of your articles and I have a question about men. I am seeing repeated behavior by more than one man, i.e. my nephew, my other mail friends, my daughters boyfriend, etc., etc.

Here's the question or the situation that baffles (and infuriates) me.

Men want and sometimes demand that there not be just one woman in their life. They want to date multiple women and have their girlfriend’s approval of it. But, once the man decides he loves you (the woman) & wants you in their life long-term they don't want their girlfriend with any other man, whether dating them, talking to them or sex - especially sex. The man gets all jealous and just can't stand knowing their girlfriend or the woman they love is with another man. AND YET the man still wants to see other women!! The man will run or get all bent out of shape if they even detect that the woman wants things to be monogamous.

My boyfriend whom I have been dating for 7 months has decided he loves me, wants me in his life long-term, wants to plan a few long range plans together, has even played with the idea that he wanted me to move in with him. But....we are both shy about marriage because of our past horrible experiences in marriage. We decided not to live together as we both enjoy our own "space" and alone time. He has made the statement several times that he would be jealous and hurt if I dated other men and he would prefer that I not. I have not dated others mostly because I have no interest in others right now but it infuriates me that I'm supposed to be ok with him continuing to date and seek out new women! Now I could go on dates with other men right now.....but honestly I would be doing it to make him jealous and because "if he can, then I can". I don't believe those are legitimate reasons to date other men. Also....out of respect and the love I do feel for this man I choose not date as I know it would cause him unhappy feelings which I want him to be happy.

I could go on about how I am mistreated etc......but it's not even about all that. I am choosing not to date others so it is MY choice. What freaks me out is why do men do this behavior? They want their girlfriend all to themselves while they share themselves with multiple women!

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ---------------------------------------------- Hello!

I'm going to answer this question for you, but first a warning: you're not going to feel any better by hearing this answer. So, if you're looking for relief, I suggest that you stop reading right here.

Here are the true facts, despite what the media, feminists, feminized scientists, etc., would have you believe: men are not monogamous by nature but women are. That's the way it is. In fact, that's the way it is in 95% of all mammalian species on earth.

But, there's an important reason for all of this: up until recently (about the turn of the 20th century), the infant mortality rate in humans was about 50%! That's an amazing number. We have only survived by practicing this concept.

Thus, men are biologically programmed to seek out multiple female partners in order to keep our genes going on to the next generation. It's part of our wiring! By having multiple partners (thus producing multiple offspring) males are increasing their chances of sending their biological benefits forward. Women on the other hand have a completely different motivation. By trying to attract a partner to help her raise her children, she is helping to not only insure her own survival, but that of her children. Two adults allow for one to gather food while the other cares for the young. It also offers greater defense options, etc.

It's interesting that many men don't have this "instinct" because there are many men that will get in and help raise the kids for them (we call these "sub-dominants"), thus giving them (the "Alpha Males") a chance to continue mating. However, there aren't many other women that will jump in and raise both their own kids and those of another mother. That's why the "instinct" in women to be monogamous is so strong.

Did you know that the "pair bond" (marrying or partnering for life) is actually very new in the human experience? It's true. We've been on this planet for about 7 million years according to recent discoveries. However, we've only been pair bonding for about 5,000 of those years! If you do the math, that means that we've only been doing monogamy for 0.0714% of the time we've been here! That's 7-100ths of 1 percent of the time! It's also not enough time to change how we are biologically wired.

So, why then is it ok for him to be out hunting and not for you?

While it's not considered politically correct to say this, the fact remains that we are following our biological programming. Just like you - you could date other men but you choose not to. You wouldn't find the fulfillment you want in doing so. You get the most satisfaction from your relationship when it's solid - and monogamous. It angers you that your boyfriend doesn't seem to feel the same way, but consider that he’s just following his biological programming. He doesn't want you to date either because he understands these points deep-down. He may not be able to finger exactly why he feels this way as I've done however. In effect, it just isn't "right" and you will appear as a less-appealing partner to him if you did do this.

Ok, so you've stayed with me this far. Now I have something of a reward for you: an answer to your dilemma of how to get men (including your man) to choose monogamy over their own biological programming: don't try to force him to be monogamous. Simply find out specifically what it is that he needs in his life to make that choice and become that woman!

Commitment and monogamy are very stressful to men. It works directly against our biology and we fight it for that reason. Many men DO choose monogamy over biology to get something they desire even more however. If you can understand what those things are for your boyfriend and simply be that woman, he will be willing to make that choice too.

Best regards...



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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.

posted on Thursday, June 17, 2004 7:56 AM
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  • # re: Why are Men So ... Infuriating?
    irritated
    Posted @ 4/27/2005 9:45 AM
    To the doctor answering question "why are men so infuriating" Give me a break! Are we then to assume that men are incapable of evolution? We are over populated not under. If your argument is to hold up...shouldn't men now seek monogamy to insure we do not deplete our resources with too many people?

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