I read one of your articles and I have a question about men. I am seeing repeated behavior by more than one man, i.e. my
nephew, my other mail friends, my daughters boyfriend, etc., etc.
Here's the question or the situation that baffles (and infuriates) me.
Men want and sometimes demand that there not be just one woman in their life. They want to date multiple women and have
their girlfriend’s approval of it. But, once the man decides he loves you (the woman) & wants you in their life long-term
they don't want their girlfriend with any other man, whether dating
them, talking to them or sex - especially sex. The man
gets all jealous and just can't stand knowing their girlfriend or the woman they love is with another man. AND YET the man
still wants to see other women!! The man will run or get all bent out of shape if they even detect that the woman wants
things to be monogamous.
My boyfriend whom I have been dating
for 7 months has decided he loves me, wants me in his life long-term, wants to plan a
few long range plans together, has even played with the idea that he wanted me to move in with him. But....we are both shy
about marriage because of our past horrible experiences in marriage. We decided not to live together as we both enjoy our
own "space" and alone time. He has made the statement several times that he would be jealous and hurt if I dated other men
and he would prefer that I not. I have not dated others mostly because I have no interest in others right now but it
infuriates me that I'm supposed to be ok with him continuing to date and seek out new women! Now I could go on dates with
other men right now.....but honestly I would be doing it to make him jealous and because "if he can, then I can". I don't
believe those are legitimate reasons to date other men. Also....out of respect and the love I do feel for this man I choose
not date as I know it would cause him unhappy feelings which I want him to be happy.
I could go on about how I am mistreated etc......but it's not even about all that. I am choosing not to date others so it
is MY choice. What freaks me out is why do men do this behavior? They want their girlfriend all to themselves while they
share themselves with multiple women!
WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? ---------------------------------------------- Hello!
I'm going to answer this question for you, but first a warning: you're not going to feel any better by hearing this answer.
So, if you're looking for relief, I suggest that you stop reading right here.
Here are the true facts, despite what the media, feminists, feminized scientists, etc., would have you believe: men are not
monogamous by nature but women are. That's the way it is. In fact, that's the way it is in 95% of all mammalian species on
But, there's an important reason for all of this: up until recently (about the turn of the 20th century), the infant
mortality rate in humans was about 50%! That's an amazing number. We have only survived by practicing this concept.
Thus, men are biologically programmed to seek out multiple female partners in order to keep our genes going on to the next
generation. It's part of our wiring! By having multiple partners (thus producing multiple offspring) males are increasing
their chances of sending their biological benefits forward. Women on the other hand have a completely different motivation.
By trying to attract a partner to help her raise her children, she is helping to not only insure her own survival, but that
of her children. Two adults allow for one to gather food while the other cares for the young. It also offers greater
defense options, etc.
It's interesting that many men don't have this "instinct" because there are many men that will get in and help raise the
kids for them (we call these "sub-dominants"), thus giving them (the "Alpha Males") a chance to continue mating. However,
there aren't many other women that will jump in and raise both their own kids and those of another mother. That's why the
"instinct" in women to be monogamous is so strong.
Did you know that the "pair bond" (marrying or partnering for life) is actually very new in the human experience? It's
true. We've been on this planet for about 7 million years according to recent discoveries. However, we've only been pair
bonding for about 5,000 of those years! If you do the math, that means that we've only been doing monogamy for 0.0714% of
the time we've been here! That's 7-100ths of 1 percent of the time! It's also not enough time to change how we are
So, why then is it ok for him to be out hunting and not for you?
While it's not considered politically correct to say this, the fact remains that we are following our biological
programming. Just like you - you could date other men but you choose not to. You wouldn't find the fulfillment you want in
doing so. You get the most satisfaction from your relationship when it's solid - and monogamous. It angers you that your
boyfriend doesn't seem to feel the same way, but consider that he’s just following his biological programming. He doesn't
want you to date either because he understands these points deep-down. He may not be able to finger exactly why he feels
this way as I've done however. In effect, it just isn't "right" and you will appear as a less-appealing partner to him if
you did do this.
Ok, so you've stayed with me this far. Now I have something of a reward for you: an answer to your dilemma of how to get
men (including your man) to choose monogamy over their own biological programming: don't try to force him to be monogamous.
Simply find out specifically what it is that he needs in his life to make that choice and become that woman!
Commitment and monogamy are very stressful to men. It works directly against our biology and we fight it for that reason.
Many men DO choose monogamy over biology to get something they desire even more however. If you can understand what those
things are for your boyfriend and simply be that woman, he will be willing to make that choice too.
Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
posted on Thursday, June 17, 2004 7:56 AM